When You Don’t Feel Like Yourself
Have you ever felt like you just aren’t you? Until 2020, I hadn’t felt that to an extreme extent. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like myself for a few days, and then whatever was causing me to feel that way would clear up and I’d be back to normal me. Which is pretty easy to handle. Everyone has short bursts where they don’t feel like themselves, but when you bounce back quickly, you just think “I’m so glad to be back to normal!!”
But what if it’s more long term than that? Instead of a few days maybe it’s two years... Like it has been for me. Here’s what happened to me. 2019 was going along fantastically, I got married to the love of my life in August, my brother Grant married my wonderful sister in law 6 weeks later. Both of our weddings were unbelievably fun, and celebratory and joyous occasions. A great time for the Christianson Clan.
However, the week before my brother’s wedding, my sweet Aunt Megan went to the hospital for a scheduled gallbladder removal surgery. When she was in the hospital, something seemed off and they cancelled her surgery until she got some scans. They quickly found out she had stage IV gallbladder cancer. A huge shock to everyone as she was only 50 years old, she was the picture of health, a healthy eater, a wonderful cook, an exerciser and yoga goer, in great shape, and a very intelligent woman with a great sense of humor. I remember getting the call from my mom a day or two before Grant’s wedding that Megan had cancer, and I was in total shock, and unbelievably sad. Megan still wanted to go to Grant’s wedding, and we all decided to enjoy the day and make the most of it and think about the cancer after.
My beautiful aunt Megan with my sister-in-law on her wedding day.
Megan valiantly put forth every effort to battle the cancer, she did Western and Eastern medicine, chemo, chiropractic, supplements, therapies, everything she possibly could to give her the best chance to heal.
In February 2020, my grandpa died of cancer. We figure he had it for a few years and didn’t tell anyone because he didn’t want it treated, he was in his early 90s. Although we all know that grandpa had a long, healthy, wonderful life, it’s still hard to say goodbye to one of your favorite people. We had a giant funeral for him, and as it was pre-covid, everyone was able to attend. We gave him a grand send-off. There were many stories and jokes, humor, hugs and gathering together to share memories.
My grandpa and I the day before my wedding.
Immediately after my grandpa’s funeral, my aunt Megan headed out to Colorado to seek a new treatment option. My mom went with her, and they stayed at my aunt Sheila’s house. At the same time, my family headed to Colorado for a ski trip. Before we drove up the mountain, we went to the hospital to visit Megan because unfortunately her health was taking a rapid turn for the worse. We were right outside of her hospital room and they wouldn’t let us in because COVID restrictions were literally starting as we were standing there and they decided only the same 2 people could see her per day. I am still angry that I was so close to her (about 10 feet away) and wasn’t able to say hello or hold her hand or just say “I love you.” We weren’t allowed in, so we headed up the mountain for our ski trip. We skied one day, and then they shut down the mountain. We hung around one more day, and then drove back down to Denver the following morning, which also happened to be the morning Megan passed away. I was in shock, she had looked so healthy while she’d had cancer and I didn’t ever get the feeling that she wasn’t going to make it. She died just 6 months after her diagnosis, one week after my grandpa’s funeral. My youngest aunt. I’m glad we were in Colorado then because Megan’s husband, my uncle Bruce, and their four kids were at my aunt’s house that morning so we went to visit them. I was thankful they at least had some family with them on that incredibly hard day.
This week is also when the lockdown happened for COVID. I returned home to the world being completely different. Although my business was essential and I could stay open, 90% of my patients cancelled for the next 6 months. I completely understood, and I’m glad they were looking out for their health. At the same time, as a business owner it was incredibly scary to see that you don’t have even close to enough business coming in to sustain. I also taught yoga 5-6 times per week, and that was all cancelled too.
As you can imagine, my grief and stress levels were very high. Normally, I would turn to one of my go to stress relievers…. going to a yoga studio for a class, hanging out with friends or family, go out to eat, go see a movie, or a play, or travel somewhere… ALL things not allowed during COVID. In my lifetime, there hasn’t ever been a time when everything was shut down at the same time. In addition, I used to be an introvert, and thought that I still was. I found out day 2 of lockdown that I am most certainly an extrovert. AND I HATED LOCKDOWN AND BEING STUCK AT MY HOUSE ALL THE TIME!!! I felt like banging on the windows and screaming “LET ME OUT!!!!”
I sat down and had a conversation with my husband (more like sobbed while barely getting words out), and I said something like “I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t feel like myself, I hardly feel connected to you, I don’t see a way out and I don’t how to fix it.” I felt detached from my life, as if someone had pulled me out of my body and disconnected my soul and I didn’t know how to get back to my body and feel reattached. It was the darkest, and most hopeless I had ever felt for sure.
Well we all know what happened with COVID, still it continues on. I remember having a lunch with my cousins right before the shutdown, and everyone was talking about COVID and I thought “Sad, there won’t be a single conversation for ages where the main topic isn’t COVID, everyone will talk about it all the time, and the daily conversations and topics we used to cover will be thrown by the wayside.” I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am SO SICK of talking about and hearing about COVID.
Since March 2020, my grandma has been moved to assisted living and has been in and out of the hospital with a broken sternum, and then a broken back 3 months later. My uncle was diagnosed with colon cancer and did months of chemo and right before he finished chemo, he broke his back (same week my grandma broke hers). My aunt fell off her bike and broke her hand and her leg. A different aunt broke her foot. A different aunt has been dealing with a severe skin condition. My dad has an unknown problem with his foot. My mother in law got pneumonia and was diagnosed with diabetes at the same time, and then found out she had cancer and had radiation treatments. And my husband and I were dealing with fertility challenges. Are you overwhelmed yet? I am.
What Can Make You Not Feel Like Yourself?
Of course anything can, but here are a few that come to my mind. Losing a loved one, your job drastically changing/losing your job, being limited in what you’re allowed to do: either from a pandemic or sudden lack of funds, being isolated from loved ones, health problems for you or those you care about, for the ladies: being pregnant, fertility challenges, postpartum. Living life in a constant state of fight or flight mode because you have so much to get done and you don’t have time for a break. Break ups, divorce. And any other thing you can think of.
So What Do You Do? To Try To Feel Like Yourself Again?
I’ve thought about this a lot, because I was struggling with this for so long. I googled all sorts of things and I was frustrated with the results I was getting. I kept seeing the same things over and over again. “Feeling overwhelmed because of COVID-19? Try the following: deep breathing/meditation, making a new or challenging meal at home, get some exercise, virtual get togethers, do a home project.” This is the type of thing I kept finding when searching. GREAT, well I did all those things in the first week. WHAT DO YOU DO THE REST OF THE TIME?!!
We are obviously past the lock-down stage of COVID, and I don’t know about you but I still don’t feel like the full, true me. There are so many opinions on COVID and people feel very strongly about them, there are heated conversations and political and media involvement, etc. So how do you clear your headspace, continue on with your days, find the positive things going around you and get back to feeling a little more like yourself?
Realize that most things don’t last forever…
Some things do last forever of course, like losing a loved one. However, over time your feelings/grief changes. I don’t know that it ever goes away, especially if it’s someone very close to you but at least for me the intensity of the feelings change over time. Shortly after my aunt died, I would have waves of grief hit me and I would suddenly be crying quite hard, and feeling so bad about the fact that she was no longer here with us. I still think about Megan everyday, but now it’s more that I think things like “Today feels like a tough day, but I’m lucky to be here and Megan would appreciate this day.” Or I hear a song and think “Oh, Megan would love this song.” I still miss her so much and wish that she was here, but with time I’ve also become more grateful for the time I was lucky enough to spend with her. Chronic sickness I realize can also last forever, I am always so impressed by people that have chronic pain/sickness and still soldier through every day.
Lots of things don’t last forever though, and just that knowledge can help I think. When we were struggling with fertility challenges I thought, “I might never get pregnant,” and now almost 2 years later I’m pregnant and so grateful that we are going to be growing our family. (P.s. Women and families struggling with infertility, I can help you! I learned so much about improving fertility for both men and women through my journey). For me during COVID lockdown, it felt like things will never open again! We’ll be stuck at home forever. And now of course many more things are open, COVID is still a challenge, but there are more options for things to do. Many of my family members health is now improving, yay! I have a cousin getting married in December. My cousin and his wife that had three pregnancy losses are now pregnant with a baby girl and are due 3 weeks before me! My business is still not back to normal numbers wise but it has improved SO much over lockdown time and I know it will continue to improve over time. While I wouldn’t ever want to re-live the challenges of the last couple years, I do feel like I am a much more strong willed person than I used to be. I know that I can weather a storm. It used to drive me crazy when plans changed or got cancelled last minute, COVID definitely cured me of that. I feel like I have more emotional fortitude than I used to.
Return to things that always have brought you joy
These are often simple my friends, for me it’s been things like using my hands to do art related activities i.e. doing an adult coloring book (a bit silly I know, but I like it). Doing puzzles, turning up music that I love and dancing around the house. Seeing my loved ones. When I was at my darkest point in 2020, I told my husband I needed a puppy (even though we had 2 other dogs), and he agreed right away. She has certainly been a light in my life and brought me much needed laughter everyday.
I’ve felt too sick to do much yoga during my pregnancy. I have found that meditation and breathing practices do help a lot. To get through a tough time (like puking 8 times a day) or just to start your day off right. Or end it in a more peaceful fashion. I also have a super cool device called the Brain Tap that I have a page about on my website if you want to know more. It’s a more effective form of guided meditation with other benefits. I’ll do a blog post about that sometime too. It’s the easiest thing ever to use, you put a headset on, lay down and relax and let the programs on Brain Tap do the work for you, it’s something that patients can buy from me to have at their home and use as often as they like. 20 Minutes on BrainTap is equal to a 3 hour nap, who doesn’t need that in their day?!
Get involved in something new!
I just listened to a fascinating podcast by Tony Robbins where he was interviewing Sanjay Gupta and one of the things they talk about is how to have a healthy brain; and it’s not what you think it would be! Sanjay said the best exercise you can do for brain health is a brisk walk, while talking to a close friend and helping each other to solve problems! Who had that as their first guess for healthy brain activity?!
He said often people do the same things over and over for brain health like crossword puzzles, etc. He said that refines your skill/knowledge in that area. However, it isn’t helping you to use other areas of your brain, because you already know how to do that activity well. He said we use 10% of our brains 90% of the time. To use more of your brain and make additional pathways, learn something new! Examples he gave are eating dinner with your non-dominant hand, he learned how to play ukulele, and his wife is learning to paint with her non-dominant hand. He said this works especially well if the new activity you are doing involves your hands. As humans we always feel good when we’re making progress on something. We may feel uncomfortable at first trying something new because we “aren’t good at it yet.” I don’t often feel this way, but if I do I watch children learn something new, and I realize you don’t always have to be good at everything. I was ice skating once and felt like “I haven’t done this forever, what if it fall?” Then I watched the kids ice skating and they fell about once a minute, they would just get up, dust themselves off, and start again. It made me think, what if as adults we adopted this way of thinking more often? Who cares if we fall, we can just get back up and try again!
There are many options, I hope this gave you a start…
Of course, there are many things you can do to feel like yourself again, and this is just a start, but hopefully it gets you started on the right path. I also offer health coaching over the phone, for new clients, the first 30 min call is free. You can sign up on my website. If you’re feeling stuck and you don’t know how to feel like yourself again, I can always do one on one coaching with you to give you individual ideas and we can talk through it together. :)
Peace friends, I hope you feel more like yourself soon if you aren’t feeling that way now. Love and blessings to you all!
